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Identifying Fake Dominants and Posers
April 7, 2009 by lunaKM [1,568 views]
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This week’s video tip is on Red Flags of Fake Dominants.
The question I was asked today is, “How do you identify fake Dominants and what are some red flags to be watchful of?”
First, what is a fake Dominant? A fake Dominant is someone who is just out for sex, fantasy and an easy lay. Fake Dominants may also be predators. Most of the time you will be dealing with the fakers, so that’s what this video is all about.
We now have online and real time versions of Dominants. I’m going to blend the two, because with this day and age it is likely that you meet someone online and move to real life.
The most obvious fake Dominant will only want to skip to the sex. They may start their conversation out sweetly enough, but it will soon become sexual oriented. Cyber sex may be suggested or you will be pushed to play on the first date or well before you’d be ready to. They don’t get to know you for who you are first. These are the booty chasers.
There are the Dominants that exaggerate their experience level. I personally don’t care what someone says but unless they can prove it a 25 year old dominant does not have 10 years of experience unless they are counting masturbation fantasies. You can’t judge experience by a number. I can say I have 5 years experience, but if part of that I was ‘on a break’ or not in a relationship, that’s not experience.
Fake Dominants will also try to Dom you without a relationship being present. This could be dictating what you are to wear for first meetings, when you are to be available online to chat, etc. Setting up rules and trying to make you do them before it is agreed upon is a huge red flag.
Some Dominants I’ve been introduced to online say they have a lot of references and can list names, but when I ask for phone numbers or email addresses, they appear to not have them. References are meant to be useful. If they can’t give you contact information so that you can check them out, that’s a huge red flag. Honest Dominants will not only give them to you, but be happy that you check them out.
Fake Dominants may also try to get you to not meet them in public. Oh, just come to the house we can get to know each other in private then. Yeah, right. Don’t meet anyone you don’t know in a private location! Set up your safe call, if the Dominant refuses to let you check in, leave immediately!
Another red flag to be cautious of is if they want to get to know you, you are on good terms and they won’t share their phone number, where they live, etc but they expect you to. Also, if you are only able to call between narrow time frames. This is a red flag of not only fake Dominants but also cheaters! Another clue of cheaters is disappearing online without warning and doing it frequently. I call this wife-watch. They bail so that the wifey doesn’t see what they are doing.
The last one I’m going to cover today is a Dominant requesting or forcing you to change something before you’ve agreed to a relationship. This could be along the lines of changing your hair because they don’t like it, losing weight, or breaking up with friends because they are ‘bad influences’. No one should make you change. A good Dominant will like you for who you are when getting to know you. There is no reason you should try to fit someone’s mold.
Fake Dominants are everywhere and have many tricks up their sleeve. I’m sure I’ve even scratched the surface of what things they can do to try to get you to believe in them and open up. Stay safe, use your common sense and if it feels wrong it probably is.
Do you have red flags that I missed here? Please add them to the comments!
12 Comments
Filed under Online Submission, Relationships, Safety, Video Posts
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I think that this is one of the major problems for girls, there are an awful lot of men out there, especially on line, who will say anything in the hope that it might get them sex.
Personally I don’t know anything about the ’scene’ my relationship with Constance is a dd one, that is the limit of my knowledge. By their nature dd relationships tend to be quite private, I think it highly unlikely that there will be references available as perhaps there would be within the scene.
I think a useful clue for girls is something that you have mentioned here already, when you make an arrangement to first meet, just how thoughtful and careful is he of your safety? Because a truly dominant male will have your welfare, even at this early stage, very much to the forefront of his mind. While I completely agree that attempting to subject a girl to authority before getting to know each other is a bad sign, I do think that a dominant male will show some gentle dominance regarding the details of an initial meeting. In other words he will not allow you to do something silly such as meeting him in private, he should insist on a meeting in public, if he suggests otherwise or agrees to your suggestion, that would be a bad sign.
If it were me arranging the first meeting I would insist on that being public, I would suggest to the girl that if she has a good friend, she could tell them that she is going on a blind date and would the friend mind looking after the my driving licence, passport or some similar document while we are out. I do not mind at all being introduced to the friend so that they can get a clear look at me either. When I bring my date back I collect my driving licence/passport and thank the friend for their help. I do not object at all to this as it is merely putting the girls safety and peace of mind first and that is the name of the game after all.
The other thing that you have mentioned is the male attempting to rush the girl into physical action, whether that is sex, spanking or anything else, it is a very bad sign. In fact an eager girl should understand that she may well be held in check by a dominant male until he is certain she is ready for what will be the next step in their relationship.
Very interesting article and something that the girls should definitely read, keep up the good work!
What excellent information you have added! Thank you so much.
I only stumbled upon your site when looking for a good outside resource for my slave to read and when I pushed play, I had to agree with every point you hit.
I myself am Gorean, in Real Life, not the online fantasy role play of IRC, SL and RLC. But I do not subscribe the attitude’s held within the books. We live in a modern society with RULES. I personally do NOT ever ask a slave to meet me at my house or theirs and find those girls who would want to have a Master meet them at their house for a first time meeting are not true submissives or slaves anyway, just little girls looking for sex themselves.
Never done the “have a friend hold your license or ID thing”, but great tip!
A girls safety is paramount and we as Master’s and Dominant’s should take this into account at all times.
I completely agree with what was said here, and look forward to anymore advise you give these girls to educate them and keep them safe from the fakes and predators.
Great work, keep it going!
Thank you so much! The videos start back up in a week after the current series ends :) I’ll do my best to teach the novices what is safe and what isn’t. Thank you again.
I listen your spiel on fake Dom’s, and most of it is true, how ever about the references, That is BULL I have been in this life style longer then you are old, and would never Never give a exsub/slave name or number to anyone, , How do I know you are who you say you are, If the trust is not there why would i trust you with a number, many meetings and conversations, You will know it it is worth the effort
Cowgirlrider
“How do I know you are who you say you are” in this day and age is exactly why references are so important. You can’t trust someone you meet online. So you get real person references to make sure you are dealing with someone you can trust or with a predator. That’s the point of references. If you don’t want to give sub names and numbers, then give community leaders – they are normally fine with giving references. If you are afraid of a reference then perhaps the perspective person would be afraid to meet you.
I think what cowgirl was refering to here is that if you do not know the person who is potentonaly a slave or sub for you in this day and age giving referance names and numbers of past subs or slaves could indanger those slaves aswell and maybe a bad idea and the reason being if i were a preditor what better way to get names and numbers of perspective victomes then to pose a a potentail submisave and get names and numbers from another dom think of a vacume sweeper sales person they will ask for names and numbers of your friends and family with the intention of using your name as referance just as there are fake doms so are there fake subs or slaves both must be honest and upfront about what they want and the sitiations they are in there should always be a courtship between the person or persons involved as to what is expected from one another aswell as the lifestyle they live i also agree that one should get to know one another as time continues as a dom you get to know the boundrys of the sub or slave and as a sub you MUST make sure the dom is trust worthy and respective of your boundrys rember as well that someone is not going to give a referance of some one who will say bad things about them if you were fired from a job for punching the boss would you use them as a referance i know i wouldnt
This is a document I put together almost 10 years back for the #fss IRC channel on undernet. I hope you find it useful
SAFETY TIPS FOR INTERNET CONTACT
1) SAFETY CALLS
a) Make sure that at least TWO people are aware that you’re meeting someone from online; where you will be staying, what phone numbers you’re available on (mobile AND landline)
b) For at least the first forty-eight hours, let them know that they can call at any time of the day or night to check and see if you’re doing okay and they should call at least three times in each twenty-four hour period for the first two days. After this period, if you are feeling more comfortable with your visitor, then perhaps set up scheduled call times – or retain the random calls if that makes you feel more secure.
c) Set up code words so that you can indicate that there may be a problem without releasing the information to the visitor. An example – which you shouldn’t follow: “We’re having a wonderful time” would equate to everything okay, whereas “We’re having a terrific time” would equate to come and get me, I don’t feel safe and “We’re having a fantastic time would equate to get the police here, he’s a psycho.
2) SAFE HOUSE
a) Make sure that one of your contacts is close to you physically. This will allow you to flee and get to safety quickly if it’s needful. DO NOT reveal this safe house to the contact at all during the visit. Ideally the safe house should belong to one of the safety callers.
b) Make sure that you have a key to the safe house available to you at all times.
c) If possible, avoid showing the online person the safe house, even in passing. i.e. if you can; avoid the street it is on.
3) PANIC BUTTONS
If they are available from the local police forces or security companies, get a discreet one that can be kept easily to hand. There are both pluses and minuses to this and it will have to be a personal decision. If you do choose to tell your online partner that you have one, then he/she is aware of the fact that you’re prepared, and will react accordingly. If you choose not to tell, it could create a negative trust reaction. My inclination is to say don’t tell, thus if things go bad, you have an emergency back up in place (and personally, I wouldn’t be offended)
4) LOCATION
This really depends on what you feel, the distance apart that you live and the economic wherewithal of your online partner. If you would feel safer with them not overnighting with you and would rather they used a hotel, then SAY SO!!!
5) DECISIONS
Always, ALWAYS you have an absolute right to say NO and expect that to be respected. If you become afraid say NO! immediately.
Much of what you say is true. However, the “give names and numbers” of past subs and slaves doesn’t work. Remember, one person’s garbage is another’s treasure, and vice versa. Best 2 people check each other out WITHOUT outside influences.
Of course I have her dress in the manner I prefer at first meeting. That, frankly has NOTHING to do with real or fake. I set up first meets over dinner or drinks in a lovely restaurant, upscale preferred. She can ask anything, suggest anything, without thinking I’m looking to jump her 1st time.
Course maybe this is my Midwest Chicago upbringing, but that’s how we do it here.
Great article, and while you would think most of this stuff would be common sense, there are plenty of Doms out there who will make this tripe seem like it’s “normal” so they can grab control before it is even offered to them.
Be wary of Doms who are too “insistent” on meeting before you are comfortable. They’re often trying to get you while your guard is down so that they can swiftly move in and establish their “territory.” While this may not be purely for sex, it’s a sign of intense insecurity and a lack of caring for the mental and emotional well being of their sub.
A note on attempts at control before the relationship has been established- I personally, would tell any man “Nope.” if he tried to dictate how I am supposed to dress or wear my hair for our first meeting. You’re meeting ME, not your idealized version of me, so if the me you meet isn’t good enough for you, you’re more then welcome to keep it moving. Some would say that this shows me as not being submissive, but in all honesty, I see it as a sign of self worth and self respect.
Every sub needs to remember who she is when it comes to Doms, fake or no, that is unless one is entering into a Master/slave relationship, in which case the dynamic changes drastically.
I just wanted to remind folks that being a fake dominant (or submissive, for that matter) isn’t always obvious at the first meeting. If you can weed one out before even getting that far, you’re doing good. But if you invest time and energy and resources into a relationship only to find out that your dream-dom can’t even take care of their self or their children, etc., and is looking for a “take care of me” figure with their incessant demands and desires…well…that’s what we call tough luck. You can go out on a first day, have that awesome play/scene experience with a person and fall instantly head over heels and that’s fine. Everyone is entitled to have fun. But just don’t lose sight of further down the line. You have to remain responsible for yourself while venturing forwards. If the person at hand is legitimate and is all that you want and need them to be, you will simply be rewarded for having chosen so carefully and your Dom will understand being *respectfully* cautious. If they turn out to be baggage, hopefully, the disappointment drop won’t hit so hard.